Joy in the time of coronavirus — Middle Years Monday

Hello again dear Friends,

The time-space continuum has become distinctly odd lately hasn't it? It feels like ages since I was last in your inbox and it's a joy to be here again. I hope that wherever you are in the world and no matter to what extent you are in lockdown, today brings you peace and wellness.

I'm here today to talk mostly about joy. My relationship with it has certainly become even more scratchy than usual lately. Hot on the heels of every moment of lightness is a searing pain for all the people both in my life and outside of it who don't currently have the opportunities for happiness that I am still able to hunt down - at least on some days.

I'm working hard to remind myself that there is not a finite amount of joy in the world. There are no scales. There is no direct inverse relationship between my joy and that of others. Me enjoying my back garden doesn't proportionately increase the difficulty for those with no green space of their own. My guilt serves no good purpose. All it does is paralyse me and deplete me of energy, thereby making it even less likely that I'll be able to offer succour to the people whose paths I cross during this strangest of times. In fact, surely the least I can do is have the good grace to breathe in and appreciate my good fortune. So, that's what I'm trying to do. Life is short dear friends. So let's be present to any and all of the goodness that is available to us.

Stuck at Level 2

Before I go on to speak more about joy, in case you didn't happen to read my recent Instagram post on this subject which seemed to resonate with many, I'm going to share some thoughts with you about being stuck at level 2 - in the hope that they might being you some succour...

There’s been lots of talk of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs recently. And I’ve found it really reassuring to be reminded of the pyramid that illustrates this theory. The second level up is *Safety* and according to Maslow, until that need is fulfilled, we aren’t able to move higher up the structure through the stages of *Love & Belonging* and *Esteem* towards the heady peak of *Self-Actualisation*. So, it’s no wonder many of us feel that we’re living in a dense fog with crappily slow cognitive functioning, a fuse that’s shorter than we’ve ever known and an inability to work our way through the most basic of to do lists.

Much as my professional freedom has been hard won, there are times during these past few weeks when I’ve felt pangs of envy for those who have been furloughed. I can’t connect at all with people talking of being bored. For me, the output that’s required hasn’t reduced. The difference is that now I need to try and do it with a billion percent more anxiety; a couple of hours a night less sleep; and what feels like half as many brain cells.

But every now and then, I remind myself that we’re all stuck at number 2 and that finding opportunities to give in to the need for silence and mental stillness and a total absence of achievement is going to play an important role in coming out the other side of this intact.

So, yesterday morning was all about walking in the woods amongst the bluebells. And it was a little pocket of heaven. The apocalypse movie we’ve all found ourselves starring in felt much less present. The stress about our finances, the worry about everyone’s wellbeing and the painful awareness of all the horror and struggle being experienced by so many at the moment - just for a little while it was quietened.

My hope for all of my middle years sisters out there is that you too find the occasional moment to escape it all amongst your equivalent of the bluebells.

What if joy is your birth-right?

Just for a few moments here today I am lovingly inviting you to separate your own life from the narratives you may have unintentionally created or inherited about duty and stoicism and suffering being at its heart. To question the extent to which oodles of hardship and sacrifice are an unavoidable inevitability. What if this is just a deeply entrenched story you have absorbed and keep repeating to yourself? Is it possible that suffering is a habit that - to some extent at least - you can choose to break by making different choices? I invite you to consider that perhaps sticking with a life path or a daily schedule that you endure rather than enjoy is not the only choice open to you.

But isn’t this encouraging a culture of selfishness you might be asking? Of putting our own needs above those of others?

What I would say to that is what if joy is your birth-right? What if you are deserving of light and joy and fulfilment? What would be the impact of you feeling fulfilled by your life and your work? What would be the impact on your friends and family if at the end of the day you were tired but satisfied rather than frazzled and resentful? What would be the messages about life and work and self-worth that you would pass as a legacy onto your children and the people around you? What energy might be freed up within you to make a difference in the world in ways you haven’t even begun to imagine yet?

If you allow yourself to believe that joy is your birth-right, what would the impact be on the way you arrange your life, your day, on the choices you make for you and your family during lockdown - and beyond?

For me, some of the changes I make on those days when I live closer to this belief about me and joy are:

I give myself permission to include pockets of time spent being gloriously unproductive - just being rather than doing. And this almost always includes time spent gazing at the garden, whether that be from a comfy chair in the sitting room or whilst simply wandering around outside amongst the bird song and rustling trees - and pausing awhile to really notice and breathe in the magic (hence the two recent pics above of our garden, taken during some of these gorgeous moments).
I remember to ask myself 'what would make this easier?' about anything I am feeling stuck with. And I resist the temptation to dismiss as ridiculous or impractical whatever thoughts bubble up in response to this question.
I remind myself that I deserve more than the sweatshop working conditions I all too easily impose on myself in terms of my working hours and lack of breaks.

Lessons on Joy from Tamu Thomas

One of our regular events within the MYM Membership community are Suzy Darke's Middle Years Monday Conversations, which are pretty much as described on the tin! At the start of the year, Suzy's very first guest was Tamu Thomas. You may know Tamu via Instagram where she is known as @livethreesixty. And you may also know that joy is her jam. So, it was a total pleasure to listen to her and Suzy talk.

In fact Tamu doesn't merely talk - she fizzes. Knowledge, curiosity and energy spill out of her effervescent and gloriously sharp mind. Tamu is a relatively new presence to me. And I welcome the loving kick up the butt that she brings with her :) Her brain is huge, her energy is even more so - and her plain-speaking, no BS approach sometimes feels to me like running into the cold English sea in that it wakes me up, changes my state and often makes me laugh out loud. I spend so much of my time apologising for being me. I love the way Tamu is so utterly and unapologetically Tamu. She knows what her gifts are and she shares them with us without artifice or coyness, whilst looking us straight in the eye. Tamu's invitation to cultivate joy in our lives is irresistible!

Tamu tells us: “I have spent many years stuck in a cycle of drowning out my inner voice, forcing myself into what ‘they’ said I ‘should’ be doing. Barging, bumping, forcing my way, doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. We know what Albert Einstein said about that! I see this pattern in many women born in the seventies and early eighties, it is symptomatic of a time when we were taught that our value is measured by our output. It’s time to recognise that we are valuable, full stop and create lives where we take time to feel our value. I believe that when we feel our value we evoke a grounding sense of contentment and can appreciate everyday joys that tell us we are living rather than existing.”

If you are feeling anything like me lately, my sense is that it's a good time to bring some of Tamu's wisdom to you - so today I'm delighted to share with you the recording of this Members' session.

You can watch it here and without wanting to give too much away I can tell you that you are in for a total treat - and that the topics Suzy and Tamu touch on include:

the joy of removing your bra at the end of the day (which, as we all know, is ecstatic!);
some practical tips on how to train yourself to do guilt-free joy;
seeing self-care as something other than simply a tool we use with the ultimate goal of increasing our productivity or our ability to better care for others when our cup is replenished;

Enjoy!

So my friends, that's it from me for today. Until next time, take good care of precious you.

With love,

Pip x